Friday, December 23, 2011

Home and back again

I knew I'd be busy when I got home. I knew that bringing a baby home when I have a child at home was going to be difficult. I even knew that I was going to get less sleep than I needed. I have joked that it is a pleasure to be facing these particular problems. These are normal. Some days have been harder than others, but things have been generally wonderful at home. As long as I set aside schedules, stress levels hover between moderate and manageable.

My calendar reminds me of the doctor's appointments. My cell phone reminds me to feed the baby every three hours. Lily reminds me that she needs to eat. My husband reminds me that I need to eat.

I have been supressing my inner-grinch. I love Christmas. The magic of the season, for me, begins with this mysterious and exciting time. Waiting, anticipating, preparing. During Advent, we read all the prophesies. Wait in joyful hope!

Jesus is coming. There is a contagious energy in the sharing of this mystery. We are not just getting ready for a giant birthday party. He is coming again, and this preparation is not merely superficial. Prepare ye the way! Deck your halls, but don't forget to prepare your heart. This season is for sharing in the mysterious, joyful, and exciting anticipation of the Messiah. A joyful celebration of His first coming is incomplete if it does not remind us to reflect on and prepare for his second coming.

As the decorations come out earlier and earlier, I choose between grinch, self-rightious moralist, and a very quiet version of myself. I try to bite my tongue, but the commercial "25 days of Christmas" undermines Christmas by erasing Advent.

"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light. (Isaiah 9:2) ...but they ignored it because they had red and green glitter in their eyes.

Inner grinch unleashed.

So, I do not like to put up decorations until it is almost Christmas. We only took the boxes out of the attic last week. Christmas does last a few weeks, but it begins on December 25th. We have a a wreath wrapped in a purple ribbon, because Advent is a penitential season. The table cloth is pink, with a purple runner. Christmas colors won't come out until Christmas.

A twinge of regret afflicted me last night. If I was less fussy about seasons, colors and decorations, my house would be decorated. It is not. It will not be on Christmas.

Sarah is sick. Last night, Sarah got her first ride in a helicopter. They brought her to Children's hospital, in DC, again. She was admitted with pneumonia in both lungs, and RSV. She is intubated and sedated. And speaking of colors, she is a lovely shade of pink today- White and blue are well enough for Hanukkah decoraions and candles. Skin color, not so much.

i do not know how long we will be here. Last night they told me that a normal length of time to be intubated with RSV as bad as hers is about 4-5 days. And then they have to wean- both the vent settings and the sedation. Again. It is discouraging to see her like this again. But there is no arguing that she needed it. Yesterday I hope that breathing treatments would be enough, but clearly not. In truth, she is not less responsive today (sedated) than she was yesterday. Yesterday, she was so miserable, so tired, so unable to fight that my little fighter did not even yell when she got a heel prick, or when she was suctioned. Today, though sedated, she is fiercely resisting these necessary intrusions.

So we are back at Children's hospial. There is no better place in the world to hate to be.

Pandora expressed my feelings well this morning:
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"

"Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing: "To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!"" Revelation 5:13

1 comment:

  1. Beth, I will keep Sarah and the entire family in my Christmas prayers. We love that little baby and are praying for you all. - Rhonda