Thursday, October 12, 2017

Oh. Are we talking about nfp?

When I got married I wanted a million kids. I didn't think I'd want to think about nfp unless I couldn't conceive. I wasn't particularly pro or anti. It's just a tool which some people like and some people need.

I've always been irregular, but again, unless I had difficulty conceiving I didn't think it was important beyond a passing mention in regular gyno visits. (Ok, once when I went for a few months with nothing and then had nearly back to back periods. That seemed worth a special trip to the gyno. But nothing came of it except a note in my medical file.)

My first child was born less than two years after I got married. So, not immediately, but no difficulty.

My second was born when my first was three. My third was born when my second was two.

So, to understand where I am now, you have to understand all of that. Because my second was medically complicated. For four years she was in near constant emergency. I could not turn off. Being psychologically in crisis mode for four years changed my brain chemistry. When she became more stable, I couldn't. My brain couldn't handle not being in crisis. Or something. I have caregiver PTSD. So, I was depressed and anxious. I don't mean sad and scared. I mean I have a debilitating disease which made me incapable of getting out of bed for a few weeks. There were prior incidents, but that was the one which made me face this thing medically. It wasn't until I was in treatment that I realized how bad things had gotten.

Medicine made breathing easier. I could breathe. No weight on my chest. I could sleep; no nightmares about every imaginable horrible thing. I could interact with people. I could answer the phone. No more out of body experiences. I could go on, but suffice it to say, it was dramatic.

So, in treatment, I have several different medications. I have one regular med. I have one which I take when my regular med might need a boost. And I have one to take for breakthrough episodes.

I've been telling myself not to feel guilty about any of these, but I still do.

About once a month, but with quite a bit of flexibility, my anxiety gets really bad. It shouldn't have taken me a year to sort it out, but asking someone who is in a state of panic to figure something out is just not fruitful. When I am suffering from PMS my anxiety and my depression come back. They come back swinging. Hormones going crazy makes mommy go crazy. This is useful information. I cope, currently, by taking my booster med every day starting as soon as I notice and stopping when my period begins.

And what does any of this have to do with NFP? Well. This: None of these meds which I need are safe for pregnancy. None. There are meds which are, but changing medication isn't like swapping a lightbulb. It takes weeks for any new med to begin to work and some just don't work. There is not a better medication than the one I have for breakthrough episodes.

So, maybe I can risk pregnancy anyway? Is that what you're thinking? What's two or three awful weeks?

Let me tell you. I went on an antibiotic several months ago. I didn't stop taking my meds, but I didn't know that they wouldn't absorb as well while I was on antibiotics. So, my brain acted like I stopped. It was awful. Terrifying. Unbelievably. After that incident, I faced the fact that I don't think my body can handle pregnancy. Because, among other things, I've been pregnant before. It was wonderful in all the fanciful ways people discuss, but it's a hormonal nightmare.

A hormonal nightmare exactly when my medication wouldn't be an option. Not the regular. Not the booster. And definitely not the breakthrough treatment.

I thought about nfp. I looked into it. Everyone who loves it talked about resources. Resources which cost time or money or both. I had neither. Get a teacher. Get an app. Get an ovulation kit. Get get get. I wasn't going to. So I tried just reading and learning. The bottom line, for me, was that without significant help, I was very likely to get pregnant due to my irregular cycle. I know. I can hear you objecting. But symptoms. Got it. You know symptoms vary, right? It isn't as obvious for everyone. I tried to know and I couldn't. If you want more details I think you're rude.

So, I talked to my psychiatrist. Changing meds? My doctor really didn't want to do that. We could, but it would be hard. Did I want more babies now? (Will I be damned for answering? Honestly?) I don't want more babies. I want to want them. But I'm completely overwhelmed. Life is hard. Babies are a lot of work and they're physically draining. I want to want them. Oh, I love babies so much. And I love being a mom. And I love my kids. But no. No I don't want more, if the choice is mine. Is the choice mine? Is it a choice?

Isn't there a medical exception for birth control, she asked? She was very respectful of my faith and I was very open with her. There is. Kind of. But it isn't cut and dry.

I could talk to someone, but here's the thing: I already knew what any of the people I might ask would say before I asked. I knew who to ask if I wanted to hear yes and who to ask if I wanted a no. But I didn't know myself!

I prayed. I talked about it with my husband. I racked myself spiritually. I went to my good Catholic doctor. (I didn't know what he'd say. I knew he would give me whatever medical advice I needed, but spiritual stuff?) He didn't duck. He said, "God understands." That's all.

I'm using artificial birth control. I hope it's ok, but I'm sure God understands. We talk about it. We go way back and we're not afraid to scold each other.

27 comments:

  1. Thanks for your honesty. I think your doctor is right. God understands.

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    1. How can God understand if he doesn’t exist?

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    2. Sheila, I'll do the best I can to keep the lines of communication open. God is good.

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    3. Maria, I haven't a clue what you're talking about. No one here is saying God doesn't exist. Unless you are? In which case, I do wonder why you're here at all.

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    4. Beth, Sheila says God doesn’t exist.

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    5. Clicked on Sheila's profile. Was taken to her blog. First words of her current post on her blog: "Wednesday, October 4, 2017
      Questions about ethics
      It's been two years since I stopped believing in God, but most people in my life still don't know."

      Delete
    6. And you thought to yourself that this discussion, a sensitive one where she is talking about God, was the best place to bring that up? I don't know any of you, but this is my space and I won't allow unkindness. Sheila, and anyone else who wants to converse in good faith, is welcome. Her comment is not argumentative and I'll thank you for not making it into something it isn't.

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    7. I think the question "How can God understand if He doesn't exist?" is just that: a question.

      I don't think it was meant as an argument, but perhaps you have more information on that.

      Even as you did, I also wondered where the God doesn't exist comment came from. So I looked it up.

      I think it is valid to ask why someone who publicly proclaims disbelief in the existence of God would profess to know whether God "understands" something. I don't see that as at all unkind. Although I kind of wonder about the rush to see bad faith in the question.

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  2. May God bless you and yours. This is a conversation that we Catholics need to be having. You are not selfish or just saying "This is hard, waaahh!" We need to talk about this. I am sure God does understand.

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    1. Be careful about encouraging sin. God has made these things very clear through Church teaching. Telling people he “understands” their choice to sin is also wrong.

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    2. You know, my biggest hesitation about putting this out in the open is that I truly don't want to lead anyone on a path of disobedience. I love the Church and I believe she is protected by the Holy Spirit.

      But then I also thought, this is real. I'm not making stuff up. I need the church. I think that we need to have this conversation openly. I think women are owed better answers than we've been getting.

      I'm not saying the teaching is wrong! I think I'll have to write a follow up. I truly believe that there teaching is rich, valuable, and most importantly, true.

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  3. As a Catholic, using artificial birth control to prevent pregnancy is a grave moral wrong. Abstaining from sex may be your path to sanctity. Don’t lose sight of what’s most important.

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    Replies
    1. What? What is most important? To me, God is. And therefore my relationship with him, which includes fidelity to the church.

      I hear you. Do you hear me? I don't think the church is wrong in her teaching. I do think that we need to get serious about an honest discussion of why so many women simply reject the teaching. We need to stop blowing these women off as too weak or uninformed.

      I did expect to be condemned for this post. But I also expected to hear from other women saying that this is their story too. And I have.

      Women trying to follow the teaching and failing then keeping silent rather than facing condemnation for what seemed necessary. For a decision they made in prayer. And maybe we're wrong. But we are many and we are hurting and we are trying.

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  4. I too am concerned about scandal. It would be better to delete this post.

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    1. I won't. But I'll write a follow up.

      I do not want to lead people astray. But I think that we have to be willing to talk honestly. Which means, of course, that you can raise concerns about scandal.

      It was months of soul searching before I decided to share this- and scandal is exactly the reason why. I'll write a real post, I think. Because my reasons are bigger than I can do justice in a response here.

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  5. "Resources which cost time or money or both. I had neither. Get a teacher. Get an app. Get an ovulation kit. Get get get."

    Perhaps you could make a wish list of the resources you are willing to consider and folks could help you obtain them.

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  6. Maria... she is NOT using artificial birth control to prevent pregnancy. She is using them to regulate her hormone levels.

    And if rules, laws, Torah were enough...why in the world did God think we needed The Incarnation? We have a LIVING Lord who wants us to be His LIVING children. For a Catholic to be 'open to life', in my own opinion, includes the parents themselves and not just offspring who may or may not be conceived. Jesus HEALED the sick, y'know.

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    1. CFinNaples: that is NOT what the post says.
      Keep in mind she considered using NFP. How would that make sense if the need was for "hormone regulation"?

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    2. It doesn't. But guess what every Catholic theologian recommends when you have a hormone imbalance? Every is an overstatement. But you wouldn't know online. The NFP world wants you to know that all kinds of wonderful things happen. Have you tried this. Have you tried that. I'm telling you none of the symptom based methods made any sense until I was on birth control. I'm refusing more explicit information. My family read blog.

      I do want more kids. But I cannot be pregnant. It is a terrifying bad choice for me.

      So if you want me to nail down motives? Why am I taking birth control? Well, all the reasons are connected. Hormone regulation, obviously. But pregnancy throws hormones out of whack even when everything is healthy. Also, the medications I'm on are not safe for pregnancy- getting pregnant would mean stopping medication (which would be an irresponsible choice for my family) or continuing knowing the risk to my unborn (which would be an irresponsible choice for my unborn child.) So, are my motives treatment and acceptable or contraceptive and not? Both/and, I think. Which is why it was a moral dilemma. I can very easily make either case.

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    3. She wrote that she doesn’t want any more babies and that pregnancy is not compatible with her current medicine regime. The birth control is being used to prevent pregnancy. That is against church teaching. There is no way to justify it.

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  7. Apparently artificial birth control isn't that reliable:
    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/07/06/half-abortions-due-failed-contraception-new-report/

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    1. birth control is very effective if used correctly, however taking it at ties differing in more than 15 minutes each day drops efficacy by 20-30% and more if variance is over an hour. Even with this the hormonal stabilization is significant. The issue is not truly about birth control in isolation but rather as a medical necessity to NOT be pregnant, and the difficulty of abstaining indefinitely and put strain on the sacrament of marriage.

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  8. Hormonal birth control increases suicide rate.
    http://time.com/5030447/birth-control-side-effects-suicide/

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  9. https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/abs/10.1176/appi.ajp.2017.17060616

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  10. Beth, given your circumstances, I would say you made the right decision.

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