Tuesday, August 23, 2011


We are getting close.  I am conflicted.  On the most selfish, but also very real and present level, I cannot wait for Sarah to be born so that I can lie down comfortably again.  Or walk without pain. Or sleep for more than an hour without needing to use a bathroom.  On the other hand, whenever she is born we have to face what is coming.  For now, she is safe.  If there is something wrong with her heart, my body is currently doing the work for her.  Likewise with any potential respiratory or digestive troubles.  Safe is important.  As soon as she is born, she will have to do these thing herself.  Then, selfish again, I simply cannot wait to meet her.

We get to know very little before birth.  Here is what I know so far.  She responds more to Lily, her sister, than to anyone else- even me.  She ignores most people, but when Lily greets her she always responds.  Lily will come kiss my belly and say hello.  Sarah will kick and wiggle and push back against Lily's hands.  She knows her Daddy's voice.  His work schedule keeps him out late a few nights a week.  When he comes in and says goodnight to me, she starts moving.  She does not like it when Lily cries.  She either blames me, or she thinks she can get out an fix it.  I am not sure which.

Lily has been having a hard time too.  She knows that Sarah is coming.  Sometimes she is very excited.  She tells me that she loves her sister, and she kisses my belly.  Yesterday, unprompted, she told me she was ready for Sarah to come.  She proudly tells people she is a big sister.  When strangers ask, as they will, if she is going to be a big sister, she gives them more information than they ever wanted.  Yes.  She is a big sister.  Sarah is in Mommy's belly, but she will come out soon.  She is big, but not very big because she is just a baby.  She is not even as big as Allyssa.  And on and on she goes.

She does not complain about Sarah, ever.  But she is more prone to temper tantrums.  She needs more hugs and kisses.  She wants to snuggle more.   I suspect that this is mostly just normal first child worries about change than anything else.  I do think she knows that we are worried though.  She is very perceptive.

I know that consistency would be the best thing for her, but we have been bouncing back and forth a bit.  I passed out for a second a few weeks ago.  My doctor is not worried.  He said he would be if it happened more than once.  So, I am not worrying, except that I do not want to be alone- especially not alone with Lily. So, when Josh works (long hours, three days a week) I go to my parents' house.  I am comfortable there.  Lily is too.  We lived with my parents for the first two years of her life, after all.  It is a second home.  Still, back and forth is a little hard on her.

We just felt an earthquake.  It is the first I have ever experienced.  Odd.  Exciting.  Different, a little scary, definitely an act of God.  Control is a scary thing to lose, but I guess a reminder every once in awhile that we are not, and never were, in control is good.  Mini-earthquakes and babies are not that different.  God is good.

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