Tomorrow we will go to Children's hospital in Washington, DC.    I am more nervous to get the tests done than I am about the result.

My understanding is that they do not even know what they are looking for, except sort of vaguely.  The abnormalities, which we now know are not symptoms of a trisomy, are still visible.  So they want to look closer, with better equipment.  One doctor suggested that it might be something that could be fixed with surgery before birth.  We will see, I suppose.  I do not know whether to be troubled by the guesswork, or astounded by the amount of information that the doctors can get about a baby before she is born- on which they can base their guesses.  I suppose the latter.  It is amazing.  

More amazing is the fact that though we can learn so much about this tiny child, and see her in a thousand different ways, there are still people who do not think she is a child at all.  I do not want to speculate, but it does seem to me that in the context of history, ours must be viewed as a bizarre age.  We know more about the amazing things going on in utero than ever before.  Yet abortion rates are horrific.  I do not suggest there is a connection.  It is the simple juxtaposition of these facts that blows my mind.  

This juxtaposition has been thrown in my face a few times, in recent weeks.  The doctors who order the tests, after looking at pictures and watching live video of my dancing daughter, suggest abortion.  Lets look at the heart more closely.  Lets look at the brain more closely.  Lets see if these present and functioning organs are perfect.  Who can look at these things and consider abortion?

Preaching to the choir, I know.  I apologize.  It just seems colder than I like to believe that most abortions are.  If you can dehumanize fetus, think of it as an 'it' not a she, than it is simpler.  You can tell yourself that you did not kill a person, you simply did not allow the fetus to become a person.  But when you expose the lie- you look carefully at each forming organ and then at the child as a whole person- then what justification is left?  

My daughter has been more active in the past few days.  It is thrilling.  Even at three in the morning, when my older daughter wakes me up and I am trying to go back to sleep, I am delighted to feel my younger daughter protest my sleep habits.  

These are my disconnected thoughts.  I am nervous.  I am amazed.  I am appalled.  I am thrilled.  

I have been humming the round based on this Thessalonians scripture:

"Rejoice always.
Pray without ceasing.
In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus."
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

It is so simple, and so lovely.  I learned the round when I was walking the Camino to Santiago with my cousins and Aunt.  It has often gotten stuck in my head since then, but I cannot remember it ever giving me such peace.  God always gives us what we need.  I do not know what to expect tomorrow, but I will trust the Lord.  I will pray.  I will give thanks.  I will rejoice.